I read the article below by Nicole Antoinette of on choosing to sleep in a different bed to her partner and immediately felt empowered; as though I had been handed a permission slip to choose what feels good for me in my life, even if it goes against the societal norm.
Which, btw, isn’t necessarily the above, but I read it after an evening of really considering what I value in my life and whether my physical world was currently reflective of this, and it felt very supportive.
To name a few ‘societal norm’ rules I’ve broken- I’ve never wanted to be a home owner (cue current dilemma about being a homeowner for the first time), I’ve spent a lot of my life single, I’ve been solo travelling a few times and I’m vegan. All of these choices have come with a lot of questions and judge-y statements from others.
‘You better get on the property ladder before it’s too late’ (Too late for what?)
‘Have you met anyone yet?’ (Wait, is there a deadline?)
‘You’re missing out on so much tasty food’ (I won’t share what thoughts come to mind with this one)
‘Did no one want to go travelling with you?’ (Going alone wasn’t my second choice…)
I feel like I have to justify myself on a regular basis, explaining why this or that is the right choice for me (although I get that that is really a pressure I put on myself).
And it’s not like I haven’t asked myself all these questions. I’m pretty sure if you choose to do something that is against the societal norm even just a little, then you’ll have thought about it a lot.
Moody, wet, cold and fed up Skiddaw (ok ok I mean me) (09/12/23)
It reminds me of this episode of Saturn Returns with author Ruby Warrington, about her choice to not have children. She describes how she considered this decision incredibly deeply and over a long period of time, but is still met by lots of people asking whether she has truly given it enough thought.
And, look, I get it- I have totally judged others and their choices before, and definitely still do now.
But I am learning to counter that initial judgment with the knowing that I am not that person; I have no idea what it is like to walk in their shoes, I have no idea what they have experienced in their life, and therefore I have no idea about what is right for them, as much as I may think I do.
This is how I would like someone to treat me.
I am also learning to not give in to that desire to justify my choices, which is really difficult. My ego wants to prove a point, and to explain my way out of being seen as weird, wrong or unhappy.
It is hard to choose to do something that is different to the norm; the norm of society, a particular peer group, or maybe what your family expect from you. It can get you questioning your choices, as though someone else knows better than you and that there are indeed certain paths that bring real happiness, success and fulfilment.
Have I not achieved anything in my life if I don’t own a house?
Can I be truly happy without a partner?
Am I just fooling myself that vegan food is as good as meat and dairy? (Total lolz- I never doubt this)
Would I have had a better time travelling with someone?
Mungrisdale, view to Bannerdale Crags and the Tongue (05/12/23)
The fear definitely kicks in; the fear that I have made the wrong choice or taken the wrong path…and then I think, shit, have I been wasting my life?
But I am not someone who believes in regret- I don’t regret anything tbh. Could I have made better choices for myself and those around me? Absolutely, many times over. But can I change them? No. Can I learn and grow from them, and use them to make more aligned and conscious choices going forward? 100%.
So, why bother with regret?
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And, actually, the only times that I do briefly wish I had done things differently are when I have ignored my own desires, my own needs and what was right for me. When I chose to forego my inner knowing and give into the pressure from others, society, or even my own desire to fit in.
But, mainly, I just think of that former version of myself which such love, knowing she did what she could at the time and she didn’t know any different. That she got me here and I can learn from her choices, and choose again.
So I’m going to round this up with a quote from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch where he is considering the criticism he received for writing the book:
‘I’ve decided to stick with what my instincts are telling me, rather than much of what the world will tell me, (about the material here)’
What have you done differently to the norm around you and how was that received? Pop your experiences in the comments below:
Love,
Becca x
You can contact me by leaving a comment, sending me a voice note or emailing me at rebeccaguy@live.co.uk
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